Happy Halloween!!!!

So everyone knows that Halloween is my absolute favorite holiday! It was the one holiday that we could go overboard with decorating, and our house would still be the cool house. It also had a lot to do with the fact that mom worked evenings and would leave me and dad home alone to create all kinds of cool decorations. Some of these decorations still live on and the neighborhood looks forward to them every year, like the giant eyes in the garage windows. Anyhoo, this halloween hasn't quite been as extravagent as my last ones. I tell myself and others that part of the reason is that the new crazy dog just isn't ready for all kinds of lights, moving decorations, and trick or treaters, but I also know deep down that it has a lot to do with everything that has gone on in the past two months. But I found a way to celebrate my favorite holiday anyways, and still had a blast doing it. I went to Indy this weekend to visit my old roommate who had come across the brilliant idea of eating at The Williard and then seeing the Nightmare before Christmas on the big screen. Of course, since I am OBSESSED with Nightmare, I was happy to find something different to do plus I had heard that the Williard is supposedly haunted. I didn't want kids ringing my doorbell, scaring the beejeezuz out of Tess and I wasn't quite in the Halloweeny mood. So I boarded the dogs, trial run for upcoming holidays, and off to Indy I went. Another point of excitement was that Mandy had recently moved into a new house and wanted to show it off. Her selling point to me was that she had a Bidet in her guest bathroom. Now everyone knows that with my digestive issues, a Bidet would sometimes seem...um....refreshing. Though I still wonder how exactly you are supposed to dry your bottom, is there a dry cycle, or is there a designated towel for said behind....I still don't know because after witnessing her "Bidet" I did not try it out....here are some pics....

If I knew it was only a kitchen sprayer, I might not have gotten my securtiy deposits back on some of the places I rented.....

Her house is adorably cute, even if I slept in a neon melon room that made my eyes bleed in the morning. Plus, did I mention that Mandy loves to cook? Yeah so we had everything from the famous spinach artichoke dip to totinos pizza to a helluva spread for breakfast this morning. Thank you Mandy!!

The movie was awesome, like that is a surprise, but I have never seen it on a big screen. Not to mention the movie was $5 and candy and popcorn with drinks was $5 (with free refills on popcorn). People may wonder how I have never seen the movie that I am obsessed with on the big screen, well it came out in 1993 and I really don't know if it actually showed in the wonderful Linton theater. But my obsession came later when I was a student teacher for the art class and we showed it. That was when my love began. We had good food, great drinks, and great entertainment. All in all I chalk it up to a great get-away. I slightly missed the dogs but it was nice not having them.

I came home today (Halloween) where we had planned for a gathering for Trunk or Treating at the church up the street but when I pick up the pups, Phoebe had injured herself somehow (really have no clue, but she is an idiot so not all that surprised.)

I still managed to see the educated dragon and the sweet snow princess while my dog was in her pathetic painful glory. Here are some more pics of the Halloween haunters and the dogs in their costumes...Where is Tess's costume....well she was hiding in my bedroom so I didn't want to torment her too much..maybe later. Now I plan to veg on the couch, watch the Live Ghost Hunters Marathon and pray no trick or treaters come by. Halloween next year will be fully decorated I hope. Happy Halloween Everyone!!!

Sorry parties!

Well I just finished up my first week. It went good (at least in my mind...). I didn't kill anything, I don't think I ticked anyone off, and I only had a couple of moments of failure. I blame the moments of failure on my complete lack of sleep. This week has taken a toll on me emotionally. And usually when emotions are involved then my brain never shuts off at night. Now granted I had monday off and didn't go in until 2pm on Wednesday, the rest of the days leave little time for me to have down time. By the time I get home after a 8, 10, or 12 hour day the dogs are constantly up my ass until bedtime...which is fine. I miss them too. But when you have little sleep, emotional overload, and the beginnings of some massive buttsplosions, you need a little peace and quiet. Which I finally got. Yesterday. When I was supposed to make an appearance at two different parties. See, I got home from work, changed my clothes, and had some caffeine and lunch. I was then cold, which I always am after I eat. It could be 90degrees out and I will still be freezing after eating. I curl up in my Spongebob blanket and....wake up 2.5 hours later. WHAT?!?!?! The dogs had left me alone?? See I assumed I would be safe curling up in the living room because it usually ends up with Phoebe trying to get under the blanket and out of the blanket, under the blanket, out of the blanket, meanwhile the black dogs are barking at any wheeled vehicles going by (with the exclusion of cars). Dudley has always had a hatred of motorcycles, which I thought would dissipate moving onto a cul-de-sac. Little did I know there was an alcoholic with a rascal who cruises the street, which he HATES. I think he feels in his mind, he could actually take this strange motorcycles, or maybe he is just alerting me to the fact that there is a rascal since I seem to have a strange obsession with them after Key West. Long story. But no blanket hogging Jack/rat, no crazy blackdogs for two hours. I think they might have been a little scared after the friday morning kidnapping of the neighborhood cat to get neutered, or they actually realized that their mom needed some quiet time. Either way, 2.5hours later, I wake up to realize that I missed both parties (cause I was way beyond fashionably late) and there was a stuffed animal massacre in my living room (I didn't say the dogs were good while I was asleep, just quiet!). I also realized that I felt okay. No racing thoughts, no panic, no impending feeling of stress. I watched some more of my catch up dvr-d shows and went to bed AGAIN with only minimal medicinal help which included the darvocet. I needed it since I didn't move for 2.5 hours on the couch after being on my feet in the new New Balance tone shoes all week. I wake up this morning still feeling decent and take the dogs out in the nick of time before the sudden rainfall. I notice Tess being a little more neurotic than her usual rescue dog self when I realize that all the time I have had her, there has not been one thunderstorm. We had some small bits of thunder this morning and she was anxious, good to know. Also sad to note the lack of thunderstorms in so very long.
I apologize to all about missing the parties!!! Hope you had a good time!

Such a funny little dog...

Well I have had Tess for awhile now. She has kinda blended into the background of chaos. But lately I am really starting to witness her personality. So first, ealier this week, I tried in good faith to keep her in the kitchen loose with the other dogs...unfortunately she not only jumped the baby gate but she rescued all the stuffed animals and toys from the kitchen. Either she is part Marine or she was just being bitchy and taking all the toys away from Phoebe and Dudley. I may or may not have wrote about that story, but either way, you got to read it again. Then the other night, Phoebe was playing with this obnoxious witch toy that Mom had given them. It cackles whenever you hit it...well it probably continually went off for close to 30minutes while Phoebe was beating the shit out of it. Mom and Dad are lucky that their phone was busy...otherwise they would have gotten a very obnoxious phone call. Later that night, the witch ended up in the hallway where I accidently kicked it and made it start witching....Phoebe had already settled down for the night but to ensure no more witchiness, Tess very deliberately got up from her bed, grabbed the witch, and put it in the living room before round 2 of witch beating started. Now finally, this morning, I got Tess's kennel ready for the day before I went to take a shower. This involves, putting her bed (bathmat) down, filling up the water bowl, and throwing some toys in there. When I came out of the shower...Tess had cleared out her kennel. It was completely bare. Apparently she thought that if there was nothing in there, I wouldn't put her in there. Unfortunately that is not the case. I feel sorry for the girl, but I just can't let her loose....maybe someday she will have enough sense to stay in the kitchen, or at least not leave any evidence showing otherwise.
Now everyone knows that I am a royal klutz...so waiting this long without health insurance is not ideal for me. Granted I should have frequent flyer miles at the ER but that doesnt make me feel any better. I have been trying to put this whole ordeal behind me. But everyday I anxiously check my mail looking for my COBRA info. Today, after the "two weeks" I was told, I called the Purdue Benefits to find out what is going on. They directed me to the company in charge of COBRA and they have NEVER HEARD OF ME. Now COME ON! Please quit adding insult to injury (no pun intended). Just let me go on my way. Luckily, Debra (nice lady) assured me that within 48hrs I will be able to access my info online. Fingers crossed this all works out. This daily reminder has also put me in a moral dilemma....I have a co-worker who I considered myself to be pretty close to. Close enough that I thought if there were any issues she would talk to me. Well she was out, due to a family emergency, when all this drama went down. I have no idea if she was one that stabbed me in the back or not. I haven't contacted her concerning the family emergency since it happened because I was too dumbfounded by the situation. Also I am not a person who bugs people in big emergencies, I will get the weekly update, but it is time to spend time with the family, I always feel like I am intruding. Now I am trying to figure out if I should reconnect and be the bigger person and ask her about the emergency and how things are going or if it is too late....granted the road runs both ways and I haven't heard a damn thing from her and there has been plenty going on with me and my family before the situation. It sucks to think of writing off a friend like that, but at the same time, maybe she wrote me off a long time ago. It is not fair. C-diff is real people! Talk to me and I would have told you the pain that I went through. But it is too late now...it is all too late. I am stubborn (Peterson side of the family). It is just another thing to keep me up at night.

7 Years = 4 boxes

Funny how it works. I was keeping myself occupied today by grocery shopping with b-day gift cards, laundry, and walking the dogs. Yes, I attempted the first 3 dog walk (not to be confused with a three dog night). Since it looks my thursdays are going to be a bit long, I figured I could try to squeeze in a dog walk on my lunch break. I didn't want my maiden voyage to be on a lunch break so I tried this afternoon. It went well. Tess is still obsessed with the squirrels, Phoebe has ADD and Dudley was just getting down right pissed that everyone else was not taking the walk as seriously as him. But we made it up the hill and back with few knots, and no dog beatings....but I stray. After exhausting the dogs, I realized that I need to see what scrubs I still have around. So I attack the boxes. These boxes were packed up 2 weeks ago today through a haze of tears. I think the first thing that surprised me was that there were only 4 boxes. 4 boxes? My 7 year career not only ended in complete betrayal but can be summed up in 4 boxes. Two offices, three buildings, 3 co-workers, 1 boss, and 4 boxes. Wow. That is kinda brutal. I try to be positive, Lord knows everyone is sick of hearing about this, but I can't shake it out of my head. And when I think it is gone for a little while, I end up coming across something like 4 freakin boxes that bring it all back like a tidal wave. I know I moved on to something better, obviously, since that environment was toxic in more ways than one but it is the betrayal that hurts. I gave a co-workers' kids books every year for christmas, not only because my mom is a children's librarian but also because reading was such an important part of my childhood. I gave them some of my favorites like "A tale of two bad mice" and "Where the sidewalk ends." It is these little memories that I think will continue to pour salt in the wound. I hope they are happy with themselves....and whoever they take to their side, fine by me. (Also, if you haven't noticed Bitterness=paranoia.) Someday, I am sure I will be the bigger person, but I am not sure when. Matchbox20 has been great music to listen to. It has some great lines like "I gotta hole in me now, and I gotta scar I can talk about," but it also is not too bitter like Art from Everclear. Well enough rambling, since is the second blog for today. Some reason it just helps to get this BS off my chest. I just want to know: When does the bitterness end? Unfortunately there isn't a Sex and the City episode that covers this particular incident. I need a beach, a rum spiked beverage and some sun....

My Bucket List

I guess when things take a turn financially, you tend to think of all the things you want to do, often times laying awake at night. So I started a list:
1. Travel...there are many places I want to go, here are a few: The Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, Europe, on a cruise, California (Disneyland), and New York...just to name a few.
2. Go skydiving
3. Go Ghosthunting
4. Get another tattoo. I love the one I have but I want one that means a little more to me. I have somethings in mind...I would love to have Cory Miller or anyone at LA INk to do it, but pretty sure that isn't going to happen.
5. Run a marathon. I hate running, I am not one of those people who just can't wait to run, but it would be nice to say I ran one.
6. Own a house with a pool
7. Get married and have kids....there I said it.
8. Learn how to shoot a gun...we are actually working on this one.
9. Meet somebody famous, wait, I have done that one....thanks Tom.
10. Smack or punch someone who really deserves it....I have a few people in mind
11. Pay off a car before I wreck it.
12. Be published
13. Go back to school
14. Be truly happy with myself....

I'm in a glass case of emotions...

Not only a great movie but an excellent description of how I feel. Mostly pretty positive, kinda apprehensive, some concern for the bro, with a dash of bitter still thrown in there. I went out to late lunch/early dinner tonight with some Red Cross friends and enjoyed some adult beverages. I had to fill them in on the past couple of weeks. I know I am still bitter, speaking about it continues to bring up the sense of betrayal, but I had a text message today that made me want to cry. My new boss texted me today to ask me how I was doing. Not once since the whole incident have I heard from anyone in my old "team." It made me realize that I left a job and joined a family. A slightly disfunctional family, but a family nonetheless. It is these people and the tons of other responses that I have gotten that made me realize that I was no longer happy. I cannot pinpoint the time when I stopped being happy there, but apparently I did and everyone saw it. Even my body knew it, but somehow my brain doesn't listen. Nothing new there. I don't know what the future will hold, I know I have a lot of work ahead of me, and the stress is still going to keep coming but hopefully all major illnesses will hold off until I get my health insurance back (damn you COBRA). And why when you are in a money crunch do you suddenly need things?? Not want but need....like contacts, or comfy shoes, or long sleeved scrub tops. I guess that is just Murphy's Law.

On the positive note, Mario has found a new home. And it is not my front porch where he is pictured here:

Homecoming...

Purdue may have hurt me, but I still bleed black and gold! Boiler up! Tonight was the Homecoming parade and it is always a blast, not only for me but Dudley got his much needed one on one time with his momma. Here is a pic of a happy Duddy:

It is really hard to get good pics when the parade starts because it is usually dark and then it is IMPOSSIBLE to get a picture of a black dog at night....plus he is usually obsessed with strutting his stuff and all the flashing lights. We followed one of the coolest floats I have ever seen. It was a pirate ship that rocked back and forth, but the coolest part was the back:

So we had fun, Dudley is fast asleep now. And the girls didn't do too much damage being loose in the kitchen on their own...or at least I haven't found said damage yet. I am pretty sure as I was backing out, Tess had already jumped the baby gate and was barking in the living room, but I am going to believe that is NOT true.

This is Vet Tech week. So this has been going around FB a lot:

Right now a vet tech is helping a animal become a mother, is holding the paw
of a dying dog, is inserting an IV into a kitten, is listening to an owner tell
a story and is missing their pets while caring for yours. Vet techs save lives.
Re-post if you are a vet tech or appreciate one --National Veterinary Technician
Week -- Oct. 10-16, ......

It makes me happy because this week has definitely taken a toll on me. After I posted it, at least two more friends (non tech) reposted it. It is good to feel appreciated and to know that what I do makes a difference. Sometimes that career midlife crisis seems a little foolish. Yeah I don't make the money I need, but I make a difference...at least I hope I do. So with that said, I am going to find some food and watch some TV. Tomorrow is a new day, next week is a new week, and everyday is going to get better than the one before because I LOVE my co-workers. My stomach does hurt when I get home, it could be from 1 on 3 things: all the food, stress, or laughing. Maybe a mix of all three.

Tom came through chemo fine. If you would like to read the journey he has taken please go to his blog. It is amazing. Hang in there bro!

www.theonenutwonder.blogstpot.com

The feeling of defeat...

I knew this day would come. I knew it would hit me finally. Unfortunately it has...today. It might because I am dead-ass tired from work the last two days, it might be because of the crazy dreams I have been having, it might be because I just suck in general. Whatever the problem is, it has hit me full force. It has been one week and two days since I got fired (reason #1 of defeat) and I decided not to file a grievance because I figured it would be easier on me emotionally (reason #2 of defeat). My brother starts chemo on friday and I can't do ANYTHING to support him. I can't visit, hell, I probably shouldn't even send anything since I am a walking petri dish of c-diff (reason #3 of defeat). When someone who you have looked up to for so long is going through something entirely life changing, you want to be there for him. Well they want me as far away as humanly possibly. Which means not only have I not seen him since Feb, but I probably won't again until Christmas. I miss him and my SIL. I haven't met their new dog, they haven't met mine. I miss him being able to make me laugh for no apparent reason except for maybe showing me his ass....which I have seen entirely tooooooo much. I miss my SIL's uncanny knack to find a bargain ANYWHERE. I miss the random tv shows he makes me watch against my will and I end up enjoying it. Yeah, the truth is, I miss them. And finally, I have been working for the past two days. I feel completely useless. I know this stuff, I have done it for 7 years. But everyone has their own way of doing things and my prayers to the blood gods have fallen on deaf ears. (Reason #4 of defeat). I feel completely and totally inadequate. I roll old school and my skills are antiquated compared to the snazzy new things they are doing now. I miss my pigs and sheep and my own turf where I ruled the roost...well at least I thought I did....little did I know. . And to wrap things up, (reason #5 of defeat), my dogs are devastated. Not only do I leave them locked up for hours and hours, I come home smelling like OTHER animals. Dudley has this look in his eyes that I don't love him anymore and I am out playing with his replacements. Maybe it is just my imagination or maybe it is true, he can be pretty pathetic.

10-10-10

As everyone who knows me knows that I HATE birthdays. I am not sure when the birthday curse began but for as long as I can remember my birthdays have always left a lot to be desired. Now I know after the 21st birthday, there isnt really any big milestone to celebrate but yet I guess everyone would still like to have a day that they feel really special. Not so much the case with me. But inevitably my birthday came around, like every year, and I was prepared again for a let down. Little did I know that not even a week prior to my birthday that I would lose my job. My job that I devoted 7 years to. I could continue to rant on here about how angry I still am about the whole situation but now that it has been officially a week, I have decided it is time to move on. I also like to think that the whole department is breathing a sigh of relief to find out that I did not file a grievance. On one hand, I really wanted to fight, just for the principle, on the other hand, even toying with the thought of filing a grievance today made my stomach more than a little ticked at me. I think my body is telling me to chill out, either that or it might be the pleuthra of crap that I ingested this weekend. Either way, the decision is done and I am okay with that. I feel I did the right thing for my physical, emotional, and mental health. It is time to worry about ME and what makes me happy. Now I can't tell you that I won't continue to curse in verbal diarrhea everytime the situation is brought up, right now it is just a knee jerk reaction, but I feel in time I will look back at this as an opportunity....or a big shove....or as my dad put it, a way to re-invent myself.
Back to my birthday. It was fun even though I still had a storm cloud over my head but every once in awhile the sun would shine through. My BFF came up, we met friends at Brunos and ate our weight in Bruno dough, then proceeded to deep fry oreos and snickers at their house. We had a blast, my stomach hurt, not sure if it was the laughing or the mass amount of deep fried goodness but either way, totally worth it. None of us could remember the last time the group of us had hung out, so it had been awhile. Then me and Faughn finally returned home to groan on the couch and give up and collapse into a food coma. Oh and Boiler up! Sunday we enjoyed delicious Applefest cinnamon rolls only to be called less than 30min later and invited to lunch. So we went with Leah and Kevin and the kids to lunch....this is where things started to get creepy. Let's just say that El Meson celebrates birthdays a little stranger than anywhere else IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. Exaggeration, maybe. How I felt at the time and still do, definitely. But it was all in good fun and good food. I think at this point Amber and I swear off food for the rest of the day. This was followed by my parents showing up and shopping and O'Charleys. Soup only though, whew. It was a good birthday, a little busy, a lot of food, a messy house, and minimal thought regarding the "situation." And lots of B-day wishes, thanks everyone!

How does he do that?

So I read my devotional last night and I was overcome with the
message of the passage:

"I know the plans I have for you, "declares
the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope
and a future."

-Jeremiah 29:11

Again it seemed to be pertaining exactly to my situation right now. I
have prayed for weeks to not be sick anymore or to find the answer of my illness. I have prayed for a future that makes me happy. And now do I have the answer? It would seem like I do. I have been telling everyone asks me the token "so how are you doing?" the same reply that I feel that it is a blessing in disguise. And 90% of the time I believe it. But it is that 10% that is when everyone leaves, and I am still awake, that the brain starts running overtime. I go through every step, action, reaction, and interactions in my head. I second guess everything that could have been done. I wonder if I should still fight it, because if I do, will the voices in my head go away? It even got so bad last night that I ended up having a nightmare. I rarely have nightmares. I usually have the dreams that you wake up and think "hmmm, that was odd." One time I dreamed numerous times that in the basement of my old place it was overrun with rats. But not regular wood rats but the fancy rats. I even kept trying to catch this certain rat that I wanted to keep as a pet....this certain rat was wearing a NASCAR t-shirt. Now why did I dream of rats? Why was one wearing a NASCAR shirt? I don't even like NASCAR. But those dreamed never disturbed me like the one I had last night. They just confused me. The one I had last night made me wake up SAD. Overwhelmingly sad because of all the so-called friends that stabbed me in the back. I am not sure if the dream could be classified as a nightmare since no one was dying horribly at the hands of an ax murderer, but to me it was just as bad. So I guess the way to get through this is to continue to surround myself with people that support me and love me. I think also part of my melancholy is a result of my birthday on sunday. Who really wants to celebrate their birthday less than a week after being fired? I guess I can always looks at it as the fact that, yet again, my birthdays always suck, so why should this even surprise me? Oh well, my BFF is coming in tomorrow, she always has a way of smacking me into shape...plus we have plans to meet the Byrds for Bruno dough. Yum. Hopefully I can get some restful sleep tonight.

Can you be bitter and happy at the same time?

My answer is yes. At least that is how I am feeling today. I am happy, for once in a long time, I am pretty content, but then every time I think about "The" situation (not to be confused with "the situation") a fire starts burning somewhere deep inside me. Maybe it is because I am hurt. See I talked to the HR lady yesterday and found out some very unfortunate things that I probably shouldn't have known which make me totally NOT want my job back. Some people would fight for closure....and I was tempted. But is it really worth it? Is it really worth the emotional trauma of going in front of a firing squad and still not be able to confront the people that I want to confront? Probably not...I have to monday to decide. I was reading my devotional last night, and this verse was in it:

Whatever you have said in the dark will be heard in the light, and what you
have whispered behind closed doors will be proclaimed from the housetops. Luke
12:3

It kind of was a sign for me, maybe that was God's way of providing me closure.

After being thrown out the window, I feel I am like a cat...I landed on my feet. Okay maybe not exactly like a cat, I landed curled up in a ball, stayed there for a day, and then got up on my feet. More like the retarded turtle my roommate's boyfriend found dried upside down in the mud. Everytime we would leave the turtle alone, we would come back and find him stuck somehow upside down in his aquarium, with his legs flailing and we had to right him back up. I am not that helpless, it just took me a minute to shake the fall off and start again. So I have a plan, and to tell you the truth, I am happy. I haven't been able to say that in a long time...plus I have used this week to catch up with some old friends. Next week is a new week, tomorrow is a new day and it seems as each day dawns, some good news arrives. Like today we found out grandma gets to go home in 2 weeks!! Hooray! Thanks to all for the prayers, I appreciate them more than you will ever know.

We are going to terminate you.

Or something along those lines was said to me today. Now if you have been reading my blog, you know that i have had some pretty severe stomach issues. All of which I have doctor documentation for. Anyhoo....this is my day.
Go to work. Do radiographs on pigs. Recover pigs. Go to Potter to do dishes (aka clean cages). Get phone call from boss saying that I have a meeting at 3pm. He says and I quote "I didn't know about it so I am not sure what it is about but they have been trying to contact you via email. I knew you guys had a lot of dishes to do today so I figured you were over here." Go to my car and drive over to the building where said meeting is. Go to meeting. Get fired. Get escorted to my office where it gets cleaned out, hand over my keys and my parking pass.....now to add insult to injury, I have to drive over to the OTHER building that we work out of and clean out there as well. Thankfully I have a wing-woman who cleared the area for me. Thank you Jen! Clean out there. Now from 3pm to this point it is all I blur. Phases of crying and pisstivity. One, I can't believe they did this to me. Seven years. I had one bad year (which could be in part because of what I am exposed to). But otherwise I was their doormat for seven. freakin. years. I stayed late, I worked weekends. I was on call. I rearranged my other job when needed. Yet here I am, aimlessly blogging and trying not to cry. Some people are happy for me, they said the job was killing me, or my spirit. Some people I know I have disappointed (myself included). Some people are probably happy I am gone, though I don't know how they are going to survive. Some people see this as a stepping stone to bigger and better things. Me? Well I see all of the above. Yes, I was miserable, but I loved the animals and I loved the difference I made. I am going to miss some of the people. I am going to miss the security of a job that I knew I had put my time into (7 years!!!!). Sure, there are possibilities out there. But what? I have a ginormous fear of the unknown, which is why I never moved on when I felt myself becoming increasinly unhappy....or decreasingly happy. Yep, this is why I hated shopping for a new car, moving, dating, heck even deciding what I want for my birthday. (Did I mention that my birthday is Sunday? Happy Freakin Birthday, you're unemployed.) But now I have to decide what to do next. At this point I just want to curl into a ball and never get up. Which is strange because today is the first day that I DIDN'T feel too bad health wise, that I got up and wasn't too painful, that I ate lunch and felt OK afterward. Is this a sign? Did my body know that relief is coming? Did my intestines know that divine intervention was going to rear it's head and challenge me? (Yes I know I am rambling.) But if you have been "let go" you know how i feel. And unfortunately I know of two people that have had this unpleasant experience. I do have some security. I have a couple weeks pay. I can work at the clinic (though it terrifies me, I have been out of the loop for soooooooooo long.) Anesthesia in research, (especially using live x-ray) you rely purely on monitoring. Anesthesia in clinic setting, you rely on your senses. My experiences recently in anesthesia have jumped from mice to sheep. No dogs or cats in between. Am I up to the challenge? Maybe. Am I afraid that my inexperience is going to strain some good friendships? Definitely. So my dilemma is this: fight or flight. Tonight it is flight....tomorrow I shall fight.
P.S. Did anyone ever think the saying "when a door is shut, someone opens a window" is that window to jump out of?