The feeling of defeat...

I knew this day would come. I knew it would hit me finally. Unfortunately it has...today. It might because I am dead-ass tired from work the last two days, it might be because of the crazy dreams I have been having, it might be because I just suck in general. Whatever the problem is, it has hit me full force. It has been one week and two days since I got fired (reason #1 of defeat) and I decided not to file a grievance because I figured it would be easier on me emotionally (reason #2 of defeat). My brother starts chemo on friday and I can't do ANYTHING to support him. I can't visit, hell, I probably shouldn't even send anything since I am a walking petri dish of c-diff (reason #3 of defeat). When someone who you have looked up to for so long is going through something entirely life changing, you want to be there for him. Well they want me as far away as humanly possibly. Which means not only have I not seen him since Feb, but I probably won't again until Christmas. I miss him and my SIL. I haven't met their new dog, they haven't met mine. I miss him being able to make me laugh for no apparent reason except for maybe showing me his ass....which I have seen entirely tooooooo much. I miss my SIL's uncanny knack to find a bargain ANYWHERE. I miss the random tv shows he makes me watch against my will and I end up enjoying it. Yeah, the truth is, I miss them. And finally, I have been working for the past two days. I feel completely useless. I know this stuff, I have done it for 7 years. But everyone has their own way of doing things and my prayers to the blood gods have fallen on deaf ears. (Reason #4 of defeat). I feel completely and totally inadequate. I roll old school and my skills are antiquated compared to the snazzy new things they are doing now. I miss my pigs and sheep and my own turf where I ruled the roost...well at least I thought I did....little did I know. . And to wrap things up, (reason #5 of defeat), my dogs are devastated. Not only do I leave them locked up for hours and hours, I come home smelling like OTHER animals. Dudley has this look in his eyes that I don't love him anymore and I am out playing with his replacements. Maybe it is just my imagination or maybe it is true, he can be pretty pathetic.