A woman's right to sleep...

PLEASE! All I want to do is sleep. But it is 2am and here I am writing aimlessly. I tried watching Sex and the City hoping to feel empowered somehow, but instead it makes me feel even more inadequate. I do not possess the tenacity to stand up for myself. I have always thought of myself as a strong willed person, but lately I have been pulling the opossum approach and playing dead until it is over. Is it over yet?

What brought this all to mind? I guess it begins on friday. Do you ever have those encounters where you are taken so off guard that you are speechless? I was confronted on friday, completely blindsided, and could do nothing more than fake smile, nod and sign my name. When the part came up if I had any questions, they could probably here the wind blowing through my ears. My mind was mush. It doesn't help that it was friday afternoon after a particularly grueling week both physically and mentally. I was even having trouble coming up with words in everyday conversation. It is like when someone tells you a phone number and you hear the numbers but the process of it actually getting written down correctly seems to get jumbled somewhere between brain and fingertips. My everyday tasks on friday felt like a whole phone book being dictated to me by an auctioneer. After my incomplete murmuring that resembled "no I don't have any questions." I was left to my own devices for the weekend...BAD IDEA. Step one: Call my BFF and cry. Step two: go to the chiropractor....and cry. Step three: go to the neighbors and trade alcohol for smokes....and cry. Step four: numb. Now that the numbness has worn off and having had some insightful conversations with some confidants, I have come up with a whole plethora (do you even know what a plethora is?? Name that movie bitches.) of questions, retorts, and scenarios. Of course I will filter most of these through my internal filter (which I sometimes lack) and filters of those select few in on my situation. But damn, don't you, just once, want to say: "Listen Bitches, let me tell you what you don't know." I learned the "Listen Bitch" part from my dad. He said that will get anyone's attention. Probably true, but not the best idea. He also taught me "Dos Frios Cervezas" will work in any country, I have yet to test that theory as well . We will move away from the topic of my dad, because that makes me feel even more like a failure....

SO here I am, up late (or early), while my sweet children are taking over my bed. They are definitely sweet when they are asleep. I hoping this to be the first step in Project Happy Amy. (Maybe in daylight I will come up with a better name.) My moves include the following: write down any ideas/questions/or crap that bothers me, find out what is the most pertinent, brainstorm every night before bed, keep a notepad by my bed, read my devotional, pray for strength, and wake up with my head held high, listen to something really empowering (Maybe Single Ladies?? It worked for Kurt.), and by golly slap a sickening sweet fake-ass smile on my face and then come home and hug my BDD (big dumb dog) and watch Phoebe be her idiot self. I will then enjoy my TV, workout and try to get some sleep. Repeat the following for 30days and cross my fingers. God and my friends will get me through this.